Hidemi’s Rambling by Hidemi Woods

Singer, Songwriter and Author from Kyoto, Japan.

A Guest Appearance in The Tonight Show hr614

on January 12, 2019

I am a singer-songwriter but don’t do any gigs before audience any more as I used to do.
I’m too self-conscious and have an almost morbid complex about my looks. Whenever I give a live performance, I worry too much about the way I look instead of the way I play. Since I duly know my looks are bad, I can’t focus on my play. All the while I’m singing, I keep chanting in my head, “I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m ugly.” Acute lack of self-confidence for looks makes me extra-nervous. As a result, I get tense excessively, sweat all over, forget the words of my song, and play terribly. I’ve lost every single live contest or audition. It’s easy to assume one of the reasons why I haven’t been successful to date.
Countless numbers of failure later, I’ve become a recording artist who don’t perform before audience. As such, I regularly practice singing to record my songs. During the practice, I sing alone in my room. It usually goes smoothly. But the minute I imagine I were singing in public, my technique disappears and deteriorates to rock bottom. I have a sense that I need to cure this public-phobia in order to be successful. Therefore, I started practicing by turning my room into an imaginary studio as if I were on The Tonight Show.
Since then, when I practice in my room, I’ve sung in The Tonight Show in my head almost every day for years. It has been therapy rather than practice. In that way, my singing is awful because I lose focus on a song. My focus easily turns towards looks. The words of a song in my head are replaced by the thoughts about how I look on TV. Do I look like an old woman? Does my nose get shiny? Are my ugly teeth showing? Am I too fat? Is my hair too thin? Endless concerns hinder my singing. Although I understand it’s desperately shallow, I can’t help it.

people at theater

Photo by Monica Silvestre on Pexels.com

But as I’ve practiced that way for a long time, there is a day when I sing well on the imaginary show occasionally. In a case like that, I feel like I’m ready for the actual show. That leads me another difficult phantom aspect – a talk with the host. I imagine myself sitting in the sofa beside the host. Instantly I’m worried about if I don’t talk like a stupid woman, if I cross my legs properly, if I put in clever jokes, if they don’t fall flat, if I leave the stage in style with a big punch line at which the audience laughs and goes crazy, and if people think Hidemi Woods is cute and smart with a superb sense of humor. Because of those worries, an imaginary self on the imaginary show is extremely nervous, fumble the talk all the way with cracked voice, speak broken English, tell a sick joke, sweat like a pig, and the audience goes silent. Seeing an unsightly, nightmarish myself in my head, I again realize that it’s impossible for me to act in public let alone The Tonight Show.
I am clumsy all my life. And I had been very fat since eight years old until all through teenage time. That is probably why I long for good looks too much. As a clumsy person, I definitely believe that I’ve already gone through more embarrassment than ordinary people usually experience in lifetime…

 


9 responses to “A Guest Appearance in The Tonight Show hr614

  1. Becky Dingle says:

    I am so glad you stopped by Chapel of Hope Stories….it made my day. I want to see you reach your full potential ; it is so embedded in you…my prayers are for you to realize just how special and talented you are in everyone else’s eyes- take a good look in the mirror…you are a beautiful child of God’s! Never forget that…He wants to see you succeed too in your passions in life.

  2. cindy knoke says:

    You remind me of TS Elliot:
    “Am I too fat? Is my hair too thin?”
    “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair —
    (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
    My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
    My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin —
    (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)”
    He also said so much more about his looks, like, “I grow old. Should I wear my trousers rolled.”
    You think, ““I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m ugly.”
    This is precisely what makes you so incredibly beautiful.

  3. Forestwood says:

    It sounds like you have quite some social/performance anxiety for which there is treatment available if you want. Don’t think you have to struggle alone.

  4. […] via A Guest Appearance in The Tonight Show hr614 […]

  5. beetleypete says:

    Looking at your profile photo, I cannot understand why you are concerned about your size, or looks. You seem to me to be a lovely, confident woman.
    You have written books, and have other skills, undoubtedly. Be proud.
    Thanks for following my blog, which is appreciated.
    Best wishes, Pete.

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